So, yesterday I decided to have a relaxing night in, like had a Ryan Gosling movie going and everything, but, unfortunately, couldn’t even manage to turn my obsessive, worrying brain off for the relatively short duration of the film.
You’re wondering what was I worrying about?
Nothing and everything. It doesn’t matter, that’s not even the point.
Fun fact about me, I like sitting around obsessing over all the bad things that might happen to me. I do it every single day. I would even go so far as to call it my number one hobby.
But, this time, something funny happened.
I was mid “what if blah blah blah happens and I look so stupid again”, feeling the anxious thoughts writhing around in my head like a tangled knot of snakes, when suddenly the confusion cleared, and a strong, clear voice, ringing with absolute truth, answered, and said “So what? Who the fuck cares ?”.
It went on for a while.
“Have you not had your heart broken 800 times already? Have you not been made to look like a fool so many times before? Have you not lost everything and had to start over and claw and scrape your way back to life?”
“And have you not survived, every single time?!”
I had to admit, this voice had a point.
All the “scary” things I constantly worry about happening to me, have already happened to me. And believe me, it sucks so bad when they do happen.
Heartbreak, shame, disappointment, rejection, betrayal.
But none of that’s happening now. I’m at a place in my life where I’m ostensibly happy. Or I probably could be, if my brain would shut the fuck up for two minutes.
But, it literally can’t.
Or, at least it couldn’t before this long forgotten part of myself was able to free herself from the shackles of fear and rise up and make her voice heard, finally.
So, now, instead of letting a bunch of jagged, half-formed thoughts call the shots, I mostly listen to her.
She’s pretty wise.
She likes to remind me that not only have I survived all the pain and trauma, I’m actually thriving because of it!
She points out the small miracle that all the darkness that was thrown my way was never enough to taint my heart with enough hate or bitterness to leave a permanent mark. I’ve remained kind-hearted and have learned to forgive every single person that has ever caused me pain.
She takes my hand and leads me down the well-worn path of my old painful memories, and shows them to me through the filter of truth, and I finally understand.
I no longer have to fear being broken because I’ve always been broken.
I’ve been in a perpetual state of brokenness for as long as I can remember, and somewhere along the way I learned how to take my pain and spin it into metaphorical gold.
Instead of the pain feeding on my energy, I’ve learned to feed on its energy.
It’s become the fuel that facilitates my rebirth, every single time.
I truly embody the energy of the phoenix, whereas, every time I burn to the ground, I use the ashes as the foundation to rebuild myself and my life back up.
Each time I’ve been knocked down, I’ve bounced back with a vengeance.
Every time I’m forced to take two steps back, I make sure to take three steps forward.
I don’t just endure whatever life throws my way, I take it as an opportunity to level-up and make myself even better than before.
There’s this incredible strength and resilience inside of me that makes me feel almost fearless.
Learning to trust the feelings in my heart, instead of the thoughts in my head was the turning point for me.
Recognizing this truth was my key to freedom. I realized that all the worrying was mostly done out of habit, and that these thoughts were not an accurate reflection of the true essence of who I am in my soul.
I’m a fighter and I am strong.
It took immense strength to gather all the hate, betrayal, and pain that I’ve held inside myself for so long and transmute it into love and kindness towards others.
It took even more strength to be able to transform it into love for myself, but somehow, I was finally able to do that too.
It’s an amazing feeling to be able to flow with life and not constantly worry about shit all the time.
Whenever a worry creeps into my brain, it’s become laughable to me.
I just bat it away like a mosquito. Get the fuck out of here, like you’re gonna be the the thing that finally breaks me for good?
I don’t think so.
It’s funny because I used to lay in bed, all sad, thinking about all the rejection, betrayal, pain, embarrassment, loss, loneliness, and shame I’ve experienced, and use it as an excuse to feel sorry for myself, but no more.
I still think about that shit, but my entire perspective did a 180, and instead I feel so fucking proud and in awe of myself. These memories are concrete proof of my incredible strength and resilience, and ironically embracing them has become the catalyst to finding peace within myself.
So, if you find yourself being plagued by anxiety, self-loathing, sadness, or whatever tends to come up for you try to just sit with it and observe it. Feel your feelings, cry your tears, scream if you have to, but don’t let it rule you.
Get in touch with that warrior that dwells within all of us, and wipe your fucking tears and pick yourself back up. Recognize the lesson you learned and the strength you gained. Go organize your closet or help someone out. Put “In My Blood” on repeat, and just keep doing little things that better your life, one at a time, until you realize, maybe a month later, that you somehow did find the strength and now you’re this awesome, glowing version of yourself.
I’d love to tell you that there’s a pot of gold at the end of this incredibly painful journey, but unfortunately the whole point of this article is that there’s not. Not that there never can be, but the point is the journey, the learning and the soul growth.
Focus on that, keep building yourself up, and you’ll end up with a sense of freedom and peace that no one can ever take away, gold or no gold.