Fear is Your Friend

It’s the Libra Full Moon, which is also a Supermoon, which means emotions are running high and fears are being triggered like crazy right now.

As someone who has spent so much time and energy running from my fears, these Full Moons can be tortuous, especially if I allow the fears to invade my mind and start whispering fucked up shit in my ear.

I’ve come to realize, though, that there’s a better alternative to writhing around on my bed and covering my ears in a futile attempt to block out voices that are inescapable, because they’re coming from the inside, not the outside.

I can do the opposite.

I can invite them in, make them a cup of tea, sit down and have a chat with them.

“Ok, you’re clearly not going anywhere buddy, what’s the fucking problem here?”

The latest fear to crop up for me, was this deep-rooted thought I’ve had since I was little, that there’s something inherently ugly and bad about me on the inside, that triggers other people to then treat me in an ugly and bad way, which either presents as abandonment or them being cruel towards me, or both.

I’ve seen this dynamic happen in my dealings with family, friends, co-workers, and romantic partners; I’ve seen it happen with people I was super close to, and also people that were just acquaintances.

And let me tell you, I have dealt with some really nasty people along the way; people that have really tried to hurt me and break me for no other reason that I could see, other than their own amusement, and as a highly-sensitive people-pleaser, who (unhealthily) goes out of their way to be nice to anyone and everyone, I could never understand why I continually found myself in these situations.

That’s when those distorted thoughts would worm their way into my brain and tell me that of all these different people, the only common denominator they really had, was me… so it must be me somehow doing something to make them treat me this way, right?

And you have to understand, this happened enough times, that when I would meet new people I would be very quiet and cautious, sometimes for months, trying to observe and discern who was genuine and who was not, who was nice and who wasn’t, before I’d even consider allowing them into my bubble in any way.

But, inevitably, the same thing would always happen, and I’d be like “What the fuck?!”

So, those are the thoughts that have been cropping up for me again recently, and honestly, I’m just so sick of dealing with them, so instead of running this time, I grabbed a flashlight and shone it right on that bitch, and tried to really see and understand what it was trying to tell me.

And to be honest, it wasn’t saying anything completely unreasonable. There were some good points. There clearly was a pattern, and the common denominator really was me.

So in recognizing that, I was able to kind of forgive myself for having this wound in the first place, like why wouldn’t I think that? Im not crazy, there really was a pattern.

That was step one.

The next thing I did was take an honest inventory of my character… am I a “bad” person?And I realized the answer to that question was a resounding fucking “No.”

I am a good person, and I know I’m supposed to follow that with a phrase like “not that I’m the nicest person who’s ever lived,” or something like that, but fuck it I refuse to say shit like that anymore.

I’m a nice person because I care about being a nice person. I check in with my intentions and where they’re coming from and consider people’s feelings, almost obsessively, before I even think about taking a step in anything I ever do.

So, I came to the conclusion that, no, there is not some ugly, mean aspect of myself buried deep inside of me, because I would have found it by now, because I’m so obsessed with being nice, that I’m constantly on the hunt for any meanness at all, so I can heal it and transmute it into kindness, like right away.

I am on top of that shit. I can’t explain why, other than the fact that that’s just who I am and always have been, ever since I was old enough to think and feel for myself.

It’s funny because I realized the issue is actually the opposite of what I thought. It’s because I am so nice inside, that when people want to use me as their emotional punching bag, I feel bad for them because they’re clearly stressed and upset, so I let them do it, because it’ll probably make them feel better.

How fucked up is that? And they don’t even have to feel any guilt or shame for doing that because I take all that on for them too!

It blew my fucking mind to realize this, because I’ve been feeling this was for about 3 decades now, and I never realized that I could have put my foot down at any time.

Obviously this was all very subconscious, but, fuck, it’s conscious now, and that’s the end of that.

For the rest of my days, I plan on taking all that love and kindness inside of me, and pouring it right back into myself where it belongs.

No more walking on eggshells, no more not making a fuss, no more emotional punching bag.

It’s over.

So, if and when these fears come up, don’t be afraid to make friends with them, because you just might discover that they’ve actually been trying to help you this whole time.

Who knew?